Fear

• I have come to realize I have intense anger come up when anyone offers me healing suggestions.   I am not at the point that I can say I have had a huge revelation about why anger is my first response to healing suggestions and offers.  I am simply ready to explore what this is about for me.
  
  Is it that if people really knew me they would know I am doing everything possible to heal my illness, so possibly it is only those who don’t know me who offer suggestions such as eating only raw food or colonics.
  
  Is it that because I have spent years as a medical intuitive and spiritual healer, and even having some weird ass illness, let alone having no idea what to do about it somehow proves me as a fraud.
  
  What if I what I have chosen as part of my healing regime is not correct?  What if there really is something I could just do to try harder, release my favorite foods (mostly cooked), meditate longer, pray deeper, and push myself harder in Physical Therapy.
  
  What if I need to have a particular healer half way around the world place hands on me, or read the Course in Miracles, or become a Christian and “be saved”, or whatever else I would need to do to be able to heal this body, stay in this life, and continue to be with my family.
  
  So does not doing these things mean I don’t want to heal and stay?  That is what pisses me off.  The idea that somehow I would say no to some concoction that would 100% heal me really angers me.
  
  As I beginning to scratch the bottom of my anger barrel another emotion bubbles up, fear.  Well crap.  Anger is so much easier.  Anger has an outlet, I can stir the pot for a while, but eventually I let go releasing whoever I am holding energy around go.  Only hurting myself holding on to anger has taught me to release quickly.  But fear? 
  
  I will write this only once.  This entire disease scares me.  No treatment, no cure, a plethora of symptoms with no good reason for why they are related to a mis-folded protein in my brain.  Why would an action packed movie suddenly make me lose consciousness?  Will I die fast, in my sleep?  Will I die in a movie theater? (More importantly, would they refund my ticket?)
  
  Do I have another year of diminishing ability to care for myself?  Will it end with tubes and a ventilator, communicating with an eye blink?  All of these are actual potentials for me, so when I am asked if I have tried a relaxing session with temple bells I want to grab them and yell THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH BELLS IN THIS WORLD TO REACH WHAT I HAVE.  Yep, fear. 
  
  So here is my revised request when it comes to offering assistance.
  
  _Give me some more time to figure out what is happening.
  
  Remember anything you do to assist my family, especially Chuck, helps me.  I need to know that they are surrounded by love.  A cup of coffee now and then, help him build the new wheelchair ramp, go mushroom hunting, just check in.
  
  Remember that therapies that might be really great choices for me take time, money and most importantly, energy.  Think about offering something relaxing, and in my home.  Short visits are good; I want to stay in touch.  A massage would be good, I even have a table.  Same with any form of hand on healing, prayer, sound therapy, covering me with crystals; I am open.   Not so much special food diets or wheat grass, bring me your special chicken noodle soup, or a slice of something from Wagner’s or Bread Peddler.   Pick up my bedroom bedside table, place flowers from your garden on my altar.
  
  And finally, and I am serious here, fold something.  Fold with perfectly straight corners, fold on purpose and with the intention that one mis-folded protein has found its match and is healed.
  
  Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
  
  So if I come across angry, it’s because that is there, with a thick whip of fear clouding everything.  But under it all remember who I am.  I am looking fear in the face, doing the thing I never thought I could do.
  
  In the middle of all this I am,
  
  In grace and ease,
  
  Cathy
  
  

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